Deep Thought For the Day

I unfortunately spend way too much of time overthinking and analyzing things. Most of it is my personality...I like to have control over things and know where I'm going...but also because I just want everybody to be happy, and I try (sometimes way too hard) to ensure that happens. In the meantime, I also somehow manage to come off abrasive or awkward to other people around me or in my life. I wish that there were a more balanced method to this!

In high school, I was this really shy, awkward teenager that just wanted to fit in somewhere. I think I tried out every group in the school, just trying to belong and be in the "in-crowd". Now, considering my class consisted of about 28 people, you can imagaine how difficult that would be. It took me until my senior year to really figure out who I was, and that I didn't need to belong to any one group. That was almost too little too late, because I'd wasted a lot of valuable time I could have been making lifelong friends, trying to mesh myself into something that I wasn't. Granted, I really did want to be a cheerleader... but God clearly had other plans for me.

In college, I met this guy who I thought fit the persona of my "dream" guy. You all know the type right? The guy who you've molded into something completely unrealistic based on books and/or movies you saw throughout highschool and didn't have the life experience or maturity to know better. Ha! We spent a total of 3 years together, in which I alienated most of my friends and didn't make any new ones because well, he didn't want me to. You might say it was a little controlling. Yes, you sense saracasm there!! Needless to say he was a jerk, and where quite a few of my trust issues come from.

I also met this other guy, who was "dream" guys best friend. At first meeting, I wasn't impressed by his personality, and over the years I increasingly became annoyed at his behavior toward women. I also learned why he acted that way (he definitely had his reasons), and over countless movies, skiing trips, and numerous other experiences - he became my best friend. Fast forward a few years, and we decided to try dating. Considering we already knew everything there was to know about each other, we skipped pretty fast to the serious side of things. He helped me through some of the roughest things I've ever had to deal with, and still continues to do so today. Never in my life have I felt such a connection to someone... so I consider myself lucky that while he was basically the only person in my life for awhile, he was the best person for me. He still is, in fact. I married him on June 4, 2006. :)

While sometimes I get really disappointed that I don't have more friends in my life right now, I have to remind myself that it's been a long, hard road to get to where I am now. And the friends that I do have, are far better than a large group of acquaintances because they know me, and we've all made some amazing memories together. It's funny how you look back at all the choices you've made over say, 10 years. You look at crossroads you could have taken, and perhaps sometimes wish you'd taken. But if you take a step back, you realize that if you had taken the other road, you wouldn't be who you are today. You wouldn't have the same people in your life, and you certainly would be at a different crossroads than where you stand right now.

I wouldn't be married to the amazing man this is my husband, and I wouldn't have friends like I do. We all have some pretty deep connections, and that's something you don't find every day.

Because of those choices, experiences, and crossroads, I'm who I am today. I'm a little leery of trusting people and becoming fast friends. I have to feel you out and figure out how I feel about you, and if that sounds a little strange I'm sorry. If I'm ever really quiet, don't take it as me being rude, I still battle with the little voices in my head asking if I'm good enough to be around you. I can thank a couple of men in my life for that one... and hopefully that's a battle I can win soon. Be patient with me, because honestly, I'm a great person... but at first, I can seem a little on the awkward side. That's the me trying to get comfortable around you part. It'll pass, I promise... just ask my friends. I'm very open and honest, and sometimes I shoot a little too straight from the hip. But, I don't believe in saying something I don't mean. That just gets people into trouble, and I'd rather you know who I am and how I feel from the get go. I love to have fun and let loose, and I'm trying my hand at cooking/baking because deep down it's something I've always wanted to do. (I realize that's probably going to be a shocker for some people!) I'm very frustrated that I can't sit down and pour out words on paper to compose my bestselling novel, but eventually I'll come out of this writer's slump and it'll happen. I'm also very scared about the upcoming school year. I've spent the past 2 years in an environment where I've had to fight those self esteem demons coming straight from either my principal or co-workers. I know that I'm good at what I do, deep down... but after spending the last year of my career being afraid to do what I know is right for fear of some kind of verbal or emotional attack on me, I feel pretty beaten down. Yes, I know God put me in this school for a very good reason, and it has to be better. I'm holding on to that thought like you wouldn't believe! I've learned that I'm more country at heart than I ever thought, and I love spending a week at the lake. I'm terrified of deep water, but that's a fear I'm slowly working through. While I'm pretty "girlie", I can only shop when I'm in the mood, or I get extremely grumpy. I miss dancing so much, I live vicariously through dancing show or movies - ha! I was thisclose to being a ballroom dancing instructor, and I've sold cars, phones, knives, and clothes. I miss my whole family driving to Canton early on a Sunday morning and spending the day at First Monday. Someday, I'm going to own homes in the mountains and on the beach. I tend to be slightly OCD about weird things... and clutter drives me crazy. I'm not a fan of avocados, but I could eat guacamole all day. I hate onions, but love onion rings - I peel the onions out. I seriously love mexican food, and fresh seafood. I'm a huge sap... I cry in romantic movies or watching Sex and the City. I have the most amazing families, in the world.

While I could go on and on all day, that's me in a nutshell. If you ever get a chance, think about how you got here, and who helped you along the way. And don't forget to tell those people that really matter, how much you appreciate them.