How Am I Really 26?!

OK... last post for today. I think. I'm at this really weird place in my life. I assume that it's normal, but then again everyone I know is all at different places than me in one way or another so I'm really not sure that you can "define" normal by any type of standard...

I'm 26 years old, but I really don't feel like I'm that old most of the time. Sometimes when I'm standing in my classroom teaching, I just get taken aback by the meer fact that I'm now in my 3rd year teaching... going on my 3rd year of marriage... and I know a lot of people that are having babies that I either went to high school or college with!! I just really don't feel like I'm old enough to be that responsible. I mean yes, I have a college degree, I'm married, I pay bills and work a pretty responsible job (especially now that I get to deal with that blessed TAKS test...) but yet I don't feel old enough to have a kid. What's up with that?? Sometimes, I just feel like I'm playing house. Obviously, reality says different, but life at times is just so surreal.

Then, mix in the strange feelings I have toward my father. I do still love him, even though he walked out on us. Don't laugh, but there were 3 things that helped push me toward this phase of "non-hatred". The first was a funeral, the second was a book, the third was an energy healer. Random, I know. The funeral is more natural, because funerals always make us look at the people around us in a more important light, and value the time we have here on Earth. That's kind of a given. This guy was the type of person you just would never have seen it coming - ever. He was invincible - you know the type? I sat there and listened to his daughters read letters to him (which was excrutiating btw) and it made me realize that while my dad hurt me immensely - he's not dead. What kind of person am I if I don't try to reach out to him and formulate some kind of relationship?! Especially if Michael and I plan on having kids in the next couple of years... I desperately want my dad to know my son or daughter and there's no reason that shouldn't be able to happen. The second thing that made me look at dad in a different light was much less natural - it was Twilight. For those of you that know me well, reading is how I best relate. Movies come in a close second, but I can almost always pull something useful from a book that relates to something I'm going through. I'm just far too analytical. In this book, the main character Edward does what many people would consider rash toward the woman he supposedly loves (which of course he does... just read the book already!)...but he does it because he wants to protect her. He thinks the choices he makes are what's best for her, when in reality he's not including her in any of these options (and this continues on even more seriously in the second one, but I digress...) or his thought process -he's just doing the man thing. It made me stop and think: What if Dad, in his own stupid pigheaded, ignorant way, was trying to protect us from all the wrongs he did? What if he thought that by leaving he was saving us much more heartbreak than if he stayed? The thing is, he never took many other factors into consideration, but apparently, neither did I. Which brings me to my third thing- the energy healer. This came about because my mother-in-law wanted us to come to a meeting at her house for this amazing fruit concoction that helps build steps to a healthier life style, and I got to talking to her sponsor who also happens to be an energy healer. One thing led to another, and after asking about remedies for my migraines she began to work on my back. I will never scoff at any of these new-age healing processes ever again!! Long story short, after some amazing techniques and some (apparently) much needed talk... she brought to my attention that obviously my dad at least has a conscience. Well, I hate to say it, but I think I might have acutally snorted at her response because I've never viewed it that way. But after hearing what she had to say... I think she may be right. If he didn't feel guilty, he never would have bothered. So I say all this to say that the time has come that I'm ready to forgive my dad, maybe not forget so easily... but I'm ready for some new things in my life and I'd really prefer it if he was somehow in my life. I have to at least try so it's not something I'll regret later.

I know this is not something that you're supposed to say out loud... .because the "right" thing to do is be all smiles and tell all about how wonderful life is and blah blah blah... but I'm not that type of person, nor have I ever been. Yes, I love life, love to laugh, love fun... but there's more to life than that, and I believe in telling it exactly like it is. I don't do fluff. Haha! So, here goes... here's the ugly part of it all:

• I used to get so passionate about things... and now, it doesn't happen as often. I'm not sure if that's part of getting older - I sure hope it's not! - but nevertheless... it's true for me at this moment. I realize I have a lot on my plate right now - new school, new job, still dealing with the dad thing, regular hormonal issues (I'm a girl, it comes with the territory), other normal stresses, etc... then add in the factor that I'm a total perfectionist and a pleaser, and boy does that make up a full plate!!! I miss being crazy and passionate. If you have suggestions on how to get that back, please let me know.
• I feel selfish when I want to buy things for me, or spend time on things for me (like reading or actually trying to sit down and write) or work on this blog or whatever... and I know that's crazy, but UGH. I am so ready for all these emotions to be gone!!!

OK, sorry. I apparently just needed to vent. My head feels clearer, and I know I don't have any answers to my issues other than prayer, relaxation techniques, and trying to delegate... but I'm terrible at that and I'm really trying to work on it. I'm just so ready to get to the other side of all this mess and to not feel as though I'm swimming against the current. I'm totally exhausted and I just really want to find ways to feel like myself again other than when I get a week long vacation away from school - yes, I'm seeing that the school trend seems to be a large part of my issue here!!!

Michael and I are trying something new as far as money (and health) goes, and a lot of you will probably be hearing from us since it's all about sharing with others. :) All I ask is that you hear us out, and then make your decisions. We're looking for a whole new road to travel on and we're takin' the bull by the horns so to speak! We'll see how it goes!

Thanks to all of ya'll for your love and support - you're awesome! :)