Brain. On. Overload.

Word vomit. I first heard this phrase in the movie Mean Girls, and couldn't help but laugh about how true that phrase can be. The words come up without any control, not necessarily without rhyme or reason, but definitely without being filtered. Consequences are in definitely not in the forefront of your mind.

I've learned throughout the years that while it's sometimes painfully difficult to stop and think before you speak, more often than not it's worth your time to do so. I've had several moments over the past few days that I could have easily spit up words all over people and situations but I haven't because I don't want to say anything I can't take back or will regret.

While I feel incredibly blessed to have the husband that I have by my side, a family that seems to be jelling in a way I'm not sure I've ever seen before, a job that pays my bills, friends that are willing to step in and help me during what seems like the 3-4 most stressful weeks of my entire life, and a little boy who joyfully kicks me when I eat something sweet or hears his daddy's voice... I am still stressed out beyond words.

I'm not sure where I want to start, but I need to just vent out some thoughts so I can sort through my over-crazed brain. Please offer whatever you can through comments... I love comments and it's nice to know that people are reading this and have words to offer me at this point in my life, haha!

*{My pregnancy}*: again, I'm feeling blessed about a lot of things so please don't think I'm complaining! I just have a lot going on right now and I need to offload some of it. My sweet baby Liam is still sitting on my ureter. He's getting bigger and bigger by the day, and I swear he prefers the right side more than ever! He literally scoots his entire body over to my right side and curls up to snooze. This causes some pretty intense pain at some points, swelling, and just general uncomfortableness.

Now, I'm having some kind of reaction to the humidity in my classroom and almost had to be checked into Labor and Delivery yesterday due to the fact that I could NOT breathe. At all. I felt like I had an elephant on my chest combined with a very tight belt wrapped around my lungs... it was far from pleasant. My OB was pushing for me to come to the ER and get a breathing treatment, and then check into L&D to be monitored, but I asked if there was any other solutions that wouldn't involve the hospital. (The bills are really adding up!!) I'm not a huge fan of the idea of a breathing treatment (which I know wouldn't be good for Liam) and I had no idea how long I'd be in the hospital. I'd prefer to not revisit the hospital until Liam makes his arrival!!! She told me to call my family dr, who made me an appt to come in at 1:45 - this was around 11:00. I was told if it got worse before then to go to the ER, but I was really hoping we didn't have to go down that route with Michael being in Carrolton... Surprisingly , I left school and in the 2 hours I was home before my appointment with my family dr, my oxygen levels rose back up to 99%! That part was fabulous, the fact that something in my classroom is preventing me from getting the oxygen I need... not so much. Just today I had to take my kids outside several times just to gulp fresh air. This is not going to work for the next 3 weeks!!

I was informed that I needed to keep my dr in the "know" and if I'm having to continue to do my inhaler several times a day (which I never have to do...) they will put me on a steroid inhaler. Now, if you've never been pregnant, let me explain something to you: there are class A drugs (totally safe), class B drugs (safe enough that they won't prohibit you from using them, but there's still a risk), and class C drugs (definitely not preferred and pose a definitely risk to your unborn child - don't use unless absolutely necessary). Steroid inhalers fall under class C drugs. I am not willing to go on this kind of inhaler just to report to work for 2 more weeks. I'm hoping something solves itself so I don't get put in the position of refusing medicine and having to be taken out of school the last two weeks at my school. Yuck.

*{Work}*: Yes, I have a job that pays the bills. Yes, I'm grateful. However, I'm freaking out about the fact that I have to pack up my entire classroom and I have no idea where I'm moving it. I don't know if I'll be able to take it to my new classroom and leave it there, if I'll be able to take it to my new classroom and begin to somewhat set it up, or if all my classroom stuff will have to go into storage like the rest of my personal belongings. Then, I have no idea how my room will be set up in August - I literally begin to get short of breath thinking about the fact that some stranger might be setting up my room... I like things a certain way - it helps me do my job. I'm incredibly particular. However, by the time that time of year rolls around I'll either be about to burst, or I will have just delivered my sweet boy and might possibly be recovering from a C-Section (if he doesn't flip his little self!) and there is no way on Earth that I'll be able to set it up. And it's not fair to Michael to have to take it all up to school and then set it up while we have our baby at home... So I'm taking huge issue with this. I know I just have to wait and see what happens and I'm so sick of waiting with everything!! I'd love love love to just go out and find another job in the meantime to continue to pay the bills but lay off the stress I'm under right now. I didn't ask to get moved from my school while pregnant!! :(

*{Home}*: So we are having to move. No, this is not by choice, and no, I don't to divulge all the details on here. But, we are having to pack up our entire lives in a matter of 3 weeks and we won't be closed on a house by then. Which means that our entire lives, will be put into storage in boxes for another week or two while we close on a house, and we'll be living in either a hotel or our trailer. That sounds super fun, doesn't it?! No, no it doesn't. Don't even lie. I'm absolutely dreading the idea of being out of a home, in between homes, during my 3rd trimester, in Texas heat, while nesting. The thought seriously makes me want to cry. I have no idea how I'm going to survive packing up my classroom, packing up our home, all while teaching the last few weeks of school. Angels are going to have to carry me through this... especially with the asthma issues, swelling, kidney issues, and back pain. Prayers would be GREATLY appreciated!!

*{Dreams}*: I feel like I'm at a complete crossroads right now... There are so many things I want to do, but I feel like although I'm at a point where I could easily jump on these dreams... it's not financially feasible what with a baby on the way and us buying a house. I'd love to go back to school to work on my Master's degree - I feel like this would open up a huge world to me. Plus, I'm totally one of those dorky people that loves school and has an insatiable thirst for knowledge. I want to teach college... I'd love to be a reading specialist. I'd love to have a Dr. in front of my name just because I can and I absolutely know I can do it. It's such a same that bettering yourself is so ridiculously expensive. Thanks America.

I'd also love to go take some creative writing classes. I took one I absolutely loved at TCU my first semester there, and was forced to drop it because my then boyfriend didn't like the time it took away from him. Here's your sign... Writing has always been an ebb and flow for me... I absolutely love to do it, but I don't have the time to spend on it that I used to. Instead of staying up late pouring my inner workings onto my computer screen or on paper, I crave sleep. And instead of working on it to help release stress after school, I find myself planning, grading, creating units... etc. All part of being an adult I suppose. I still dream of being able to do things because I want to, not because I have to (to pay bills)... having a cabin on a lake where I can sit on the porch and drum up my newest bestseller, or sitting on the beach sipping a cold drink while I click away on my laptop and listen to the waves crashing in the not so far distance. I have binders, folders on my computer, and notebooks full of ideas, thoughts, names, quotes, song lyrics, poetry... I am one of those people you see in movies that literally narrates everything in their head that's going on around them. I write descriptive scenes in my head while I walk around the neighborhood in the evenings... I seriously can't help it. I think the most frustrating thing for me is that my ideas tend to pop in my head when I'm driving or at another inopportune time that I can't jot it down and then BAM! it's gone. Ugh. It's just a dream that has to sit on the back burner for now while I live my adult life and get all my ducks in a row. I guess I'll just have to periodically keep visiting/stalking my favorite little writing website/piece of heaven to feed that hunger until I can really dig into it!!

I'd love to find a way to make money and help out with bills while also lowering my stress level, heightening my happiness, and pursuing something I'd love to be doing. Teaching 3rd grade at a school not of my choosing where I won't even be able to set up my room or get to know my students at the beginning of the year is far from ideal.

Alright, so thanks for reading... I know I'm rambling but like I said before - word vomit gets the best of us sometimes. :\