Happy October!!!

It's been awhile since I've updated this blog... I've got 3 other blogs other than this one, and they ALL have to do with school. So they take up most of my "blogging" time - this blog is mostly about Michael and I, but honestly... our lives are boring, but busy right now. Mostly work related.

Michael's busy working, and I'm busy with school. I'm on a curriculum committee this year, as well as a reading committee; I host my own classroom blog that the other 3rd grade teachers have decided to use as well; I write the 3rd grade newsletter; I plan all of reading, writing, and language arts by myself; and I'm constantly looking for new ways to keep my kids interested and learning. That's a full time job and a half. Plus, my class has been the "rotating door" this year going from 18, to 15, to 21, to 20, and now back up to 21 again. And for anyone that's been in close contact with me over the past 6 weeks, you know the story behind one of my students that had caused a lot of stress and exhaustion in the classroom.

I was really surprised when I had to change my calendar yesterday morning to October... it totally creeped up on me this year! For anyone that knows me, I love October and Halloween like most people love Christmas. I have probably as many decorations for Halloween as I do for Christmas, and it's the perfect time of year: it's not too hot, and it's definitely not cold! It's nice during the day, and cool enough at night to have a campfire but still wear shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt. I have scary movie marathons, and cook tons of Chex Mix - it's my favorite fall snack!! I love the colors, I love the weather, the season, everything about it!! So knowing that about me, it says a lot when I'm surprised that it's already October. That's how busy I've been with school. I have so much to do this weekend to get ready for the start of the new 6 weeks on Monday and my "interesting" student's return and grades for report cards... I have no idea when I'll have time to decorate. :( I miss having a life outside of school.

I was thinking the other morning as I was getting ready - it was one of those rare moments where I was actually awake enough to be deep in thought. I'm not a morning person at all!! Michael and I have been in a struggle to get on our feet basically since we've been married. That being said, we've both come from totally different backgrounds and upbringings, so we've also had to find a balance. Doing both of those at the same time are not easy. Granted, there are a lot of lessons we've learned along the way, and appreciation for what we have. We dream big and have lots of things we want to do before we are too old to enjoy them. Which brings me to where we are right now: very, very frustrated! Michael's been working hard at his job and until we sat down and actually looked at where we were versus where are now, we didn't realize how far we'd come. It's still not where we want to be, but it's SO much closer!!

I have 2 friends in particular that are both pregnant with baby #2, and while I'm SO happy for them... I've had a lot of moments lately that have made me re-evaluate myself as a potential mother. (Michael and I have had lots of family starting conversations, so this is where this is coming from.) While I've thought of myself as an inherently selfless person, more often than not putting other people's needs before my own (especially my want to do the best by my classroom kids - my job)... now I'm thinking that I've got a selfish streak when it comes to my dreams, and my husband. Michael and I want to go to Hawaii - I have no desire to go there with a baby. Michael and I want to go to Europe - again, no desire whatsoever to share that experience with a child. Maybe AFTER we've been, just US, but not for the first time. I want to go back to school, and I know that Michael does as well. There are moments that I get irritated just thinking about it because I have things that I want to do with Michael, and I just want it be US. I don't want who Michael and I are to be forgotten as we adventure into parenthood and lose time for "us"... I know I'm not a mom yet, and God's the only person who knows when the right time for that will be. But it's a huge concern of mine!

And it seriously irks me when people tell me "oh, all that will fall away when you have a baby and your life surrounds your child" because there's a part of me that doesn't WANT my whole life to be around my child. I want weekend getaways with my husband, I want to sit and read a book curled up somewhere because that's how I relax, I don't want my TV/radio to be taken over completely by Barney and Baby Einstein. I shudder just thinking about it. So I'm wondering if there's a balance to it all... or if I'm just a terrible person for feeling this way. I know I won't know until we have a baby, and I know my feelings can change.

I was watching this week's CougarTown earlier today, and while there are certain things about Ellie's character that drive me CRAZY, I love that she hardly ever talks about her child. Don't get me wrong, I know watching kids grow and learn, and take first steps, etc... are amazing things. But I like having conversations that don't involve children, probably because I'm constantly surrounded by them. Somedays I think I need to move up in grade levels or else I'll never want to have kids - I come home with a headache from them following me around all day and me never having a second to think straight. I think that's why motherhood terrifies me on a lot of levels, because if it's like that at all, I seriously wonder if I want part of it. (I told y'all this year has been rough on me!!)

Then I have other friends who aren't pregnant, but they're so busy with their own lives - work, boyfriends, husbands, etc... that we don't get to see each other any more. In high school, I was the furthest thing from a social person. The older I get, the more I CRAVE being social. I love hanging out with friends, taking trips with a group of people, floating the river, Happy Hour, parties and gatherings at our house... and I haven't had it in too long!! Why is it so hard to find a balance to life? Isn't life too short to be so busy we can't make time for each other? Especially when we all live within 15 minutes to an hour of each other?? Why is it so hard to carve out time? Or is it not too hard, is it just that people don't care enough to carve it out themselves? See, this is what happens when I think too much...

I know this has jumped all over the place, but I've been writing this all day long - in between eating lunch, doing dishes, grading papers, and entering grades into the computer. My brain is working overtime right now!

So we'll come full circle to finish this off - it's Fall, and I'm hoping and praying for us to be able to afford fun fall activities like the Fair, a TCU football, Ole Miss, pumpkins, the Zoo, etc... Michael and I need time away from work, and home stresses, and time for us. Maybe we'll get it??